International marriage and divorce

[Olga]

Why do some international marriages end on divorce and what are causes of it? Probably somebody will point on the cultural difference, language problems and so on that produce misunderstanding between people. But all that problems are not uncommon in the marriages between people of the same nation, who speaking same language can not understand each other (or are not able, or just simple do not want).

Even reading through the articles about divorces, that are written by Russian and Western specialists, I have not noticed so big difference in causes (only in rating of causes) between international divorce and "same nation" divorce.  And we all know the reasons of divorce very often involve a combination of factors and can be quite complicated.

Why I have started this thread? I remember a Russian documentary about International dating and marriage "The American tears of Russian wives". I have found the documentary in the Internet and watched it again.

In spite of the fact that the documentary is three years old it can be a good warning for a people who are involve in international dating (and even not international), the warning about the most guileful enemy of people (men and women) in the dating process - delusions (fantasy and self-deception), that can cause not only divorce but more terrible tragedy in the future. 

[myrddin]

( I caught some words, but I can't tell if it's as agenda-ized as US shows on the topic... Some ominous music, though...)

[Olga]

I wish the documentary had English subtitles.

The documentary is about some typical delusions of Western men about Russian women and as result they are scammed or can be potential victims of scammers, and about delusions of Russian women, who badly wants to live in America.


I will write in more detail after my cup of coffee.

[Olga]

Delusions of some Western men.

Russia is so poor country and life of Russian women so hard that they all want to live Russia and ready marry anyone. Russian women are submissive and domestic, all what they want is husband and kitchen.

A butcher was scammed by Russian swindlers who used photos of the famous Russian singer Valeria. He sent to swindlers $3500, but in spite of that fact he continues to look for an intelligent and well educated Russian beauty who will wash the dishes.

Another man, a disabled person, was married to a Russian woman with two children. After some time she disappeared with her children, and also with his $2500. Latter she was found in a women's shelter. She called to a local Department of Social Services Domestic Violence and told that her life and life of her children in danger.
At the same time her Russian husband was  in search of her and children in Russia. The investigation brought to light that the woman planed everything beforehand. She secretly from he Russian husband falsified a divorce with him and also some documents, and left Russia .

[Olga]

Delusions of some Russian women.

Oh yes, the famous delusion "the grass is greener" in America, life is easier and men are better.

Two young girls in the documentary were asked if they would like to marry an American man. Their answers were "yes". Next question was "Why do you want to marry an American man?" and their answers were "Because he is American. I want to live in America"

[myrddin]

Yikes.  I did pick up on a lot of the tone, but I didn't realize how bad it was.  I've come to understand it was financed or at least supported by the Russian government, which I imagine has a definite agenda in the matter.

I'd imagine the root causes of divorce remain constant across all marriages, the international element simply adds more potential triggers. But in any case, I've never been impressed with anecdotal evidence, even if it's not slanted by an agenda. 

I wouldn't want a woman who would marry me because I'm an American.  And I'm not interested in any woman because of where she's from.  What I thought months ago was that many of the qualities I seek as starting points seem fairly common in the FSU. If it's true, it doesn't matter why.  And since I've been to Ukraine to see for myself, it seems that it is largely true.  I know that's anecdotal, too, but I also know this: I will be going back 

[Rasputin]

Well, the goal of the state is clear: make sure women don't leave. Even if they do leave, get married and then divorced, what is the likely outcome? The women (and their children) stay in the United States. Given the state of Russian demographics, they do no want more women (and children) leaving the country.

[Olga]

It doesn't matter who supported the documentary, because the documentary is not about how the international dating and marriages are bad, it is about the reefs in the dating ocean and some very unpleasant reality that people (men and women) can face if they will be under their delusions.

At the end of documentary they showed a lovely Russian-American family with two daughters and wise advise for men and women.

____________________________
PS it is a pity that the documentary doesn't have English translation or subtitles   

[Olga]

On the forums we discuss how it is important to spend so much time together before getting married and to know about each other. In the documentary it is clear that women, who found themselves in a tight corner, made a hasty decision. 

Also the USCIS gives a Russian-American couple three months before getting married. Of course even these three months is not enough time, but  nevertheless people can to gain some insight about each other. Some men and women are in hurry to get married in the first month and don't try to benefit from the given time.

The other problem that is highlighted in the documentary is  some women going to live in strange country don't know even basic foreign language,  about laws, where and whom to ask for help.
         

[Olga]

The documentary also is telling the terrible story about a 20 y.o. Russian woman Anastasia  who was killed by her husband.

The very sad part of that story is that the parents of the killed young Russian woman indirectly pushed the situation to the tragedy. As any other parents of course they wanted the best for their daughter, rich husband and good life. When their daughter was 18 y.o. her mother took the girl's photos to the international dating agency. Nothing did matter for Anastasia's mother about Anastasia's future husband, even the fact that her daughter did not love him. What did matter? He was American and he was rich as he told. Anastasia, well educated young lady, who knew three languages and was going to enter the Conservatory, could not disobey her mother and made her upset. And even when Anastasia wrote her mother that there were the problems between her and her American husband, her mother's advise was "стерпиться - слюбиться" - "learn to live with your husband, adapt yourselves to each other and you will love". Blinded by her own delusions about good life of her daughter, the mother did not hear her child's suffering.