Ideal husband,successful marriage and true love through the Russian Women's eyes

[Olga]

The  Russian sociologists after their researches came to a conclusion that the ideal husband in the  Russian women's conception  must to be smart, strong and family prosperity provider. A happy family for a Russian woman is a family where she feels protection and support of her man, as we say in Russia to be as behind a stone wall.

A family is an absolute priority in the life of a Russian woman; and the family should be based only on love. According to data of Russian Institute of integrated sociological researches (ИКСИ РАН) the 27,2% of Russian women are sure that they will meet their true love and they wait for it with a positive attitude. 17% of Russian women also wait for their true love but with doomed thoughts that the such event in their life probably is impossible. The problem of finding a love and life partner the most important for the Russian women in their age 26-30. A woman after age 30 starts to loose her moral certainty that she able to meet the man of her dream. It is the sociologists' opinion that it connects with a fact that  a woman after age 30 already has gained experience of a married life and very often it is the negative experience. Among divorced women 80% of women think that their unsuccessful marriage was not a true love; and one third of women are sure that they will never meet a beloved man again.  It is significant that the Russian women associate the "true love" with successful marriage.

[Olga]

As it has written above the Russian women name three main characteristics of the ideal husband. In addition to that the Russian women named the following characteristics: not having bad habits,  self-reliance, faithfulness, sense of humor, sexuality, external attractiveness, kindness, love to children, frugality, easy temper and strength of mind. The RBC daily psychologist Boris Novoderzhkin said that by his professional practice some Russian women do not take a bad health of a man as something negative about him, more over a Russian woman willingly devotes herself to sick husband; and taking care of him she feels that she’s needed and such feelings gives her happiness. But some Russian women consider a good health of a man as most important characteristic; as the RBC daily lecturer of chair of   experimental psychology of Moscow Psychology Institute Maiya Dushkina said: some women consider the good health of a man as healthy descendants in the future; and also choosing a physically strong man a woman tries to find a protection from an outer world's physical threat. 

[Olga]

According to Maiya Dushkina when a woman names such charecteristic of the ideal husband as "smart" this quality of man correlates with his ability to support family that is to say with ability to use his brains in practice in other words to earn money for family. The three main characteristics indicates that a Russian woman in her desire to protect herself and her posterity from unfavorable outside effects, including social,  with the aid of a man consider her husband in patriarchal meaning of this word: the ideal husband should be a head of the family: supporter and protector.

"Man is a Kremlin wall, and the woman is the church inside. The Kremlin is the army of warriors who have put their women inside. The men fight the outside world, but inside the women pray".

[Ronin]

Putting these characteristics in perspective, when compared to other Western women ideal qualities, it would look something like this:
 
             Russian Qualities           Western Qualities
1)   Smart                           external attractiveness      
2)   Strong                          sense of humor
3)   family provider                sexuality
4)   not having bad habits      Strong
5)   self-reliance                   Smart
6)   faithfulness                    faithfulness
7)   sense of humor               family provider
   sexuality                        kindness
9)   external attractiveness     strength of mind
10)   kindness                       love to children
11)   love to children              not having bad habits
12)   frugality                        self-reliance
13)   easy temper                  easy temper
14)   strength of mind             frugality

What strikes me is that these Russian ideal qualities are common in many American Men that are looking unsuccessfully for a real woman of character.  When spelled out this way it is clear why American men and Russian Women  gravitate toward each other despite being a world apart and why AM/RW matches are so successful.  

Ronin

[Bobalouie]

Putting these characteristics in perspective, when compared to other Western women ideal qualities, it would look something like this:
 
             Russian Qualities           Western Qualities
1)   Smart external               attractiveness         
2)   Strong                          sense of humor
3)   family provider                sexuality
4)   not having bad habits      Strong
5)   self-reliance                   Smart
6)   faithfulness                    faithfulness
7)   sense of humor               family provider
   sexuality                        kindness
9)   external attractiveness     strength of mind
10)   kindness                       love to children
11)   love to children              not having bad habits
12)   frugality                        self-reliance
13)   easy temper                  easy temper
14)   strength of mind             frugality

What strikes me is that these Russian ideal qualities are common in many American Men that are looking unsuccessfully for a real woman of character.  When spelled out this way it is clear why American men and Russian Women  gravitate toward each other despite being a world apart and why AM/RW matches are so successful.  

Ronin

Ronin,

Can you clarify what the difference is between 'smart external' and 'strength of mind'?  Those two seem like the same thing to me, although I am sure there is some difference that I am missing.

[Rasputin]

As it has written above the Russian women name three main characteristics of the ideal husband. In addition to that the Russian women named the following characteristics: not having bad habits,  self-reliance, faithfulness, sense of humor, sexuality, external attractiveness, kindness, love to children, frugality, easy temper and strength of mind.

Well, tongue-in-cheek, this is how I would translate the main characteristics of an ideal husband:

1. Not having bad habits = is not an alcoholic (or a drug addict);
2. Self-reliance = does not live at home with his parents and does not expect his wife to become his surrogate mother;
3. Faithfulness = not a "бабник" and won't "sponsor" a woman or seek a mistress if he has money and is not dreaming of having money in order to be able to "sponsor" a woman or find a mistress if he is poor;
4. Sense of humor = won't take himself too seriously;
5. Sexuality, external attractiveness = nice face, tall, not overweight;
6. Kindness = won't beat his wife or demean her;
7. Love to children = will actually spend time with his children rather than leaving them with his wife while he goes to have a beer/vodka with his friends and flirt with single women;
8. Frugality = won't spend the family's money at the casino or drinking with his friends at the bar flirting with other women;
9. Easy temper and strength of mind = won't beat his wife and won't start drinking heavily every time he has a problem.

[lindochka]

Ronin, does your use of the phrase "it would look something like this" mean this is your personal impression, or is there some source you can cite for your representation of the order of what is important to WW in a man?

Just askin', because your list looks nothing like mine or the "lists" of a lot of women I know "back West." I can certainly relate to this statement in the OP:

The problem of finding a love and life partner the most important for the Russian women in their age 26-30. A woman after age 30 starts to loose her moral certainty that she able to meet the man of her dream.

In my own personal case and in the cases of several of my college friends, we hadn't had "a negative experience of marriage by age 30," because we couldn't find anyone who was "ready" for marriage by the time we hit age 30. What we found instead was guys prepared to run screaming into the woodwork if women attempted to get more serious than wanting a regular Saturday night date out of them. God forbid we even mentioned the "m" word!

More recently, my cousin Katya was having the same problem finding a guy who was geared toward marriage and family -- in Moscow. She was similarly prepared to give up by the time she hit 30, except that a month or so after her 29th birthday she got a phone call and a request to go out from Maksim, a guy whose mother was friends with one of Katya's professors at the conservatory. The professor had passed on Katya's phone number to her friend's son, a very nice man who was despairing of finding a girl who was geared toward marriage and family. I attended their wedding in Moscow a mere seven months later, and I'm pleased to say that today, almost four years later, they continue to be a very happy family.

Meanwhile, 30 was a while ago for me and next month I'm marrying my DM, a FSUM who shares a lot of my father's finest personal qualities, despite differences of language, culture, and age.

It happens that the top two qualities on my own list are "makes me feel absolutely, totally safe" and "makes me laugh." (The order varies depending what's going on outside our front door. At the moment there are some major political difficulties for Americans here, so the safety factor is a big one. OTOH, last night we laughed for hours about everything to do with our wedding plans, down to the surname of DM's witness -- Kotik.)

I dunno. I've seen some WM/FSUW pairings go wrong for a whole lot of reasons that don't have much to do with lists, and I tend to be leery of sweeping generalizations about any group(s) of people. YMMV.

[Olga]

Well, tongue-in-cheek, this is how I would translate the main characteristics of an ideal husband:

1. Not having bad habits = is not an alcoholic (or a drug addict);

That problem in the first place in a list of reasons for divorces in Russia

2. Self-reliance = does not live at home with his parents and does not expect his wife to become his surrogate mother;

But some old parents need a care of their children. I think a self-reliance is a certainty in the own words and actions.

3. Faithfulness = not a "бабник" and won't "sponsor" a woman or seek a mistress if he has money and is not dreaming of having money in order to be able to "sponsor" a woman or find a mistress if he is poor;

Also as protection and defense. She always can rely on her man's help when she will have some problems.

4. Sense of humor = won't take himself too seriously;

and some words of her 

5. Sexuality, external attractiveness = nice face, tall, not overweight;

not always I would say that the sexuality and external attractiveness = well-groomed and tidy. Some ordinary looking men (even short, bold and with developed paunch can be more charming than a man who looks like a dandy. For women the man's sexuality and external attractiveness is more psychological issue than just his body and face. 

6. Kindness = won't beat his wife or demean her;

understanding and sympathy

7. Love to children = will actually spend time with his children rather than leaving them with his wife while he goes to have a beer/vodka with his friends and flirt with single women;

He will not forget his children after divorce and avoid any responsibility for their upbringing and also avoid child support using all legal and illegal means 

8. Frugality = won't spend the family's money at the casino or drinking with his friends at the bar flirting with other women;

Usually Russian men don't play in casino. He will not spent last family money buying unnecessary things (e.g. to buy a new tool set if he already has one and has never used it because he doesn't know how  )

9. Easy temper and strength of mind = won't beat his wife and won't start drinking heavily every time he has a problem.

Easy temper = he will think before to say something 
Strength of mind = he will not lose courage and become disheartened being in the difficult situations and blaming everithing around including his wife.  (not every man is a drinker in Russia)

I think "to beat a wife" is a criminal offense. 

[Rasputin]

Usually Russian men don't play in casino. He will not spent last family money buying unnecessary things (e.g. to buy a new tool set if he already has one and has never used it because he doesn't know how  )

Easy temper = he will think before to say something 
Strength of mind = he will not lose courage and become disheartened being in the difficult situations and blaming everithing around including his wife.  (not every man is a drinker in Russia)

I think "to beat a wife" is a criminal offense. 

Well, many things in Russia are a criminal offense, but all you need it so befriend the police officer and the judge and they will agree with you that no offense ever took place 

True, not every Russian man is a drinker, but the rest sure work hard to make up for that 

As for casinos, I was always surprised how many there are in Russia: after shops selling cell phones, the casinos were the second most visible in terms of visibility in my wife's home city.

[Ronin]

Bobalouie,

Can you clarify what the difference is between 'smart external' and 'strength of mind'?  Those two seem like the same thing to me, although I am sure there is some difference that I am missing.

Though I don’t profess to know the exact interpretation of these terms, I’m relying on Olga’s post for that.  I too have difficulties with some of the qualities in that some seem to imply others. However, just taking them at face value, the qualities of ‘smart’ and ‘strength of mind’ are different.  ‘Smart’ is the ability to reach goals with the minimum of ordinary resources, while ‘strength of mind’ is mental fortitude. This is my understanding of these terms.

Lindochka

Ronin, does your use of the phrase "it would look something like this" mean this is your personal impression, or is there some source you can cite for your representation of the order of what is important to WW in a man?

This is my read on the topic.  The rankings may be off a place or two, however there is a distinction to be made as to what people respond to polls and what their real actions are.  When a person is asked to think about answering a poll, that is a thought processes. However, a person’s real actions are based on a mix of emotions and thoughts.  So even though a poll of an ideal man is of interest for academic purposes, in real life we don’t do as we think.  

Consequently, my ranking of Western qualities are based on a set of limited observations of real actions.  Though they may not represent idealized rational thoughts from a poll of western women, they are perhaps more true to real life.

Ronin